Nursing (and apologizing) In Public

Now let me clarify: We're not apologizing for nursing in public and nor should anyone! In our July issue we ran a photo essay about the day in the life of a breastfeeding mom. If you haven't seen it yet, you can Download Here. But there are two little factual errors in the article we want to correct.
1. There's a sidebar called "nursing by the numbers" which says 6 as the number of months the American Association of Pediatrics recommends breastfeeding. It should have included the word "exclusively."  
2. In the same sidebar we said "Number of Federal Laws Protecting a Woman's Right to Breastfeed: 0". It turns out there's a Federal Postal Statute giving moms the right to nurse in any federal building. Okay, I don't feel too bad about that one because that's not exactly the most wide-reaching anti-discrimination legislation I've ever heard.
     I found out about these mistakes and more importantly about alot of other feelings people had because of discussion threads taking place in and around the interweb. Go check them out. Interesting for many reasons.
     I'll start with the positive: Jenn at Mamahood, not only said we did a good job in trying to advocate for moms but she went through all the trouble of uploading the article onto flickr. Jenn!!! Thank you. Over at the La Leche League, very positive and that warms my heart because I personally am a Lactavist! Breastfeeding.com boards were pretty pleased. They caught my mistake for which I'm grateful. But then there are haters! At the mothering boards they are trash-talking this story. Basically those moms feel that stories that make N.I.P look hard will discourage a mother from doing so. Not to be defensive, but for a lot of women around this country it is hard. And they get more than dirty looks—some of them even get asked to leave the premises of Toys R Us! So, far from discouraging moms, we ran this piece to advocate for them. So what do you all think? What are your experiences N.I.P.ing?

Update: In the comments our friend Amy H alerted us to a great discussion of this by Lindsay over at Suburban Turmoil. God, you should read some of the comments she's gotten. She's written a great piece about it for the Nashville Scene. Love that Lindsay!

Comments

[farah]

Thanks for the great article. I nursed my son for 2 1/2 years, and it was pretty tough nursing in public (especially as he got older). I could totally relate to the photo of Anna nursing in the public restroom. That was me when I first got started. Looking back, I don't know why I chose to nurse in a public restroom instead of a public bench. Oh wait, maybe it was the stares and dirty looks.

If I had to do it all over again (and hopefully I will), I would nurse my baby just as long, but I'd skip the public restrooms and nurse wherever the heck I want without worrying about what other people think. I'm doing what's best for my baby, and that's all that should matter.

[Katie]

I bottlefed my daughter. I appreciated at the end of your article that you pointed out that bottlefeeding mothers also get looks at comments. I didn't like being made to feel that I was somehow neglecting my child by giving her a bottle. I didn't like feeling judged without getting to explain why I bottlefed. Although I honestly had no desire to nurse, I really had no option because of medications I was on.

[Joanne]

I guess you could call me a coward, but I was too nervous about NIP. The few times I tried I found myself fumbling around, and my son was getting impatient and I felt like I was just drawing attention to myself. I couldn't take the pressure of the stares.

So-I mainly nursed in the car, or in dressing rooms. Yuck to nursing in a bathroom. It stinks that some mothers get stuck there but you have to do what you have to do.

[Betsy]

I tried nursing and could not for various medical reasons. I never appreciated the looks or comments I got for using a bottle. However, for the 2 weeks I was able to nurse part time, I tried to be modest even in my home. I found that I was more comfortable and my son was less distracted if after he was latched on I put a blanket over my shoulder and covered myself and him, leaving an opening that I could still see him. I think the picture shown is also completely modest and appropriate for a public bench, not just a bathroom, but please admit that some mothers are not modest and use nursing as a political statement, not the natural act that it is.

[Amy H]

I actually just finished that article. (I noticed the omission of the year recommendation, but I thought that was on purpose.)

I thought it was a great article. While I never had the opportunity to nurse, I had totally planned on it. It even made The Man uncomfortable because he, too, views breasts as sexual objects. My mom bf all of us, including my sister who is 12 yrs younger than me and she NIP'd - I planned on it, too.

Anyway, I think your article was wonderful and really sent a message about how women are treated. The pic that really stuck in my head was the one of the boy snapping a picture of her with his cell phone! The Man said he would have totally chased that kid down. However, I didn't get the pic of her at the park...why was she at the playgroud nursing a baby? hahaha...anyway...in the internet world everyone catches flack for something. At least they're talking about it, right?

[Yamilee]

I think you should have given the mother a baby carrier - a Sutemi Pack, mei tai, Moby Wrap, ring sling, pouch, etc. Then she could have gone about her day nursing her baby without having to look for a place to sit down and be comfortable (unless she really needed to sit for a bit) - she certainly would not have needed to nurse in a bathroom!

Nursing in public is about feeding the baby and this society needs to stop seeing breasts as sexual and start seeing them for what they are: milk containers!

[adrienne]

There's no shame in saying breastfeeding in public is hard. Actually, I think it makes a mom feel less alienated when she realizes that she's not a freak for feeling kind of awkward about it. Some moms feel very alone when they have a hard time with breastfeeding (like they're the only one who can't get it right). Even with the public awkwardness, breastfeeding in public is still FAR EASIER than formula feeding on the go (this isn't theory- I have done both).

The key to breastfeeding in public is knowing what makes you most comfortable.

For the moms in my group, most of us fell in love with some variation on the Hooter Hider/Bebe Au Lait nursing cover:
http://babytoolkit.blogspot.com/2006/08/breastfeeding-with-limited-exposure.html
and nursing camisoles (so I didn't have to show off my network of stretch marks with every feeding).

Cultivating a sense of humor doesn't hurt either. I read a great article/book/something while pregnant that suggested confronting gawkers (which are really rare) with witty phrases like "You should see the other one [breast], it's splendid!" or "Is my baby blocking your view?"

Anyway if it had been me with my husband, the cell phone kid would have been cornered and given a very stern talking while my geekman reset his phone back to factory settings (losing all the kid's saved data- ringtones, text messages, photos, and address book- that's geek retribution for you).

Alone, I would have probably threatened the kids' life as it's hard to run and brutalize someone without breaking your infant's latch.

I don't think kids with cell phones are that real a nuisance though. I wonder if the Parents photographer made the kid think it was a voyeur's opportunity.

[Renae]

I personally did not care for the article because I felt it made nursing in public look too difficult and like you were going to be discriminated against, photographed without your permission, gawlked at, glared at...etc. For the vast majority of nursing mothers that is simply not the case.

I nursed my son (in public) until he weaned at the age of 27 months old, and I do not recall a single negative comment, glare, stare, or any thing else.

I feel that by putting such an article you are actually discouraging mothers-to-be from even attempting. Many new moms are body concious or shy or modest due to culture or whatever and they may see that and think "I'm going to have to go through THAT to feed my baby? No thank-you, I can't do that. I'll just bottle feed!" I have had many women tell me that the reason they choose to bottle feed was because of nursing in public issues.

Yes, I'm not denying that incidences happen. But how many have really 'came out' in the last few years? A couple dozen? Maybe? Verses how many women actually nurse in public every single day? A couple hundred? A couple thousand? I'm all for advocating a womans right to feed her child in public, but I do not think that you went about this in the right way.

Perhaps focus on the laws that protect women, poll nursing women to see how many have actually had a negative experience. Talk to business owners about their policies. Show women that Sure, stuff happens, but it's really rare. In some parts of the country people of color are discriminated against to this day, that doesn't mean that people of color should be nervous about going out in public.

Just my $0.02

[Amy H]

Renae, there are a lot of areas in which this seems normal and people won't do mean stuff to you, but for a LOT of women, this is a huge problem.

Lindsay Ferrier is a well-known blogger in Nashville and wrote about her experience:
http://suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com/2007/05/how-to-cause-nipple-ripple.html

I think anyone who is scared off of doing something simply because it looks hard might want to reconsider parenting all-together. This is the reality for a lot of women. I'd much rather know beforehand that I'm likely to get dirty looks than to find out on my own.

[Jenn]

Despite the mistake with the recommended time for breastfeeding exclusively, I thought the article was great.

I had originally uploaded it to my Flickr account so that the women of the livejournal breastfeeding community (breastfeeding.livejournal.com) could check it out.

Thanks so much for commenting and letting me know that you uploaded the article. I love all the attention your article has brought to breastfeeding, specifically nursing in public.

[Cole's Mama]

I was wondering about the 6 month thing. Thanks for the clarification. NIP IS hard. I've been nursing my son for almost 14 months, and it takes a lot of guts, a lot of ignoring stares and whispers, and a lot of trying to find someplace to get comfortable in the first place. It shoudn't dissuade people from breastfeeding, but it is difficult and it should make others think twice before snarking about it and those who do it deserve a big pat on the back. It's as hard as it is because our culture looks down on it so much. Making others aware of that, and the incredible benefits breastfeeding provides for baby - and mom - will help make it easier for mothers in the future.

[Andrea]

Women should absolutely be able to feed their babies wherever they happen to be. State laws generally agree with this. But just because a place may not have the legal right to kick you out doesn't stop subtle harassment from the dirty looks and staring.

I have three kids, and have breastfed them all, the oldest two well past two years or more (the youngest is just 5 months but will also nurse indefinitely). Some places I am comfortable nursing even without using a blanket, some places I try to use a blanket (though it tends to get pulled off by the baby herself), and sometimes I just head for the minivan if it's nearby. With each child my "lactivism" has lost a little steam. I don't get a lot of comments, just the looks and bad vibes. It's sad, but sometimes I just want to be able to feed my kid peacefully, without the dirty looks. I'm tired of feeling defensive before I even unhook my nursing bra.

[adrienne]

I think it's really important that we (women/moms) stop judging the feeding decisions others make (or have made for them).

One of my favorite people is an incredible foster mom with a great family. She gets a call from the hospital that newborn twins on CPAP respirators born with cocaine in their system need someone to take them home and she puts a couple extra car seats in her vehicle and heads out.

It's not uncommon for her to have days-old high risk infants in her care (not every foster home can handle such high needs kids so she gets tiny infants frequently).

Obviously, breastfeeding is physiologically not an option as her daughter by birth weaned a decade ago (and let's not even get into the legal/ethical debate).

So she bottle feeds in public. And women approach her in self-righteous fury upbraiding her that she is extremely selfish not to breastfeed her baby. She LOVES to watch their faces when she slyly announces "But this isn't my baby."

It was a lot less funny when our friend going through chemotherapy for breast cancer (discovered during pregnancy) got crappy comments from self-righteous busybodies. She looked good for being a cancer patient and a mom to a newborn and toddler- especially one with a radical double mastectomy in her near future.

If you tend toward bottle feeding judgmentalism please consider that the mom you see bottle feeding might:
1) be on serious and needed medication that prevents them from breastfeeding,
2) be heartbroken because her child couldn't breastfeed,
3) have an infant who spent time in NICU and had resultant nursing problems,
4) have an infant who is unable to nurse and is PUMPING for every feeding (palette issues),
4) have been ordered to stop breastfeeding after multiple bouts with severe, life-threatening mastitis. (This was me- I cried for days when the doctors wouldn't let me continue pumping during a 7 day hospitalization and the baby had to wean cold turkey).

The first person to make a comment about me bottle feeding had the unfortunate timing of doing it near my mommy friends (from a lactation group). It was shortly after my 7 day hospital stay (half of that spent in ICU). That lady barely escaped with her life- sadly, her self-righteousness was less fortunate did not survive the incident. My friends' indignation and protectiveness made me laugh rather than cry.

If only every mom could have such a posse- but can't we all try to be that posse even for moms we don't know? We, fellow travelers, are all in this together and we might as well be kind.

[specialj]

Yes, it fills me with rage that people glare at and just generally act immature around breastfeeding moms--and I think it's fair to report that it happens! We should be angry, and we should use that anger to stand up for our rights. Funny how breasts are only acceptable in this society when they're being used to sell something.

[mod*mom]

yay for breastfeeding!
my daughter + i participated in the guinness book of world record's "most women breastfeeding at once" record in berkeley in 2003 when she was 2 months old. the women filled a huge auditorium. that's a lot of nursing in public. we continued until she was 2 1/2 years old. i think 2 1/2 years is optimal.

[Andrea]

I liked the article, and thought it was brave and thought-provoking. I did think the mom portrayed was perhaps a bit too sensitive about the whole thing. It might have been nice to have shown a range of experiences-- from moms who were too petrified to do it at all, to those who were militant public nursers.

I NIP'd for most of the two years my daughter nursed, and a year with her brother. My daughter was nipple shield-addicted and hated having a blanket over her, and I am edging towards plus-sized, so I was really inadvertently "out there" as I juggled her, the shield, the bra, my top.... As she got bigger and could go longer between feedings, and liked to sit up and squirm around between sips, I more and more nursed in the car or some other quiet place. However, I used a bathroom only as a last resort and generally avoided being cut off from the "action" by the need to feed, especially when the babies were new and eating so very, very often. It's not fair, in my view, to expect moms to leave whatever the activity is, find someplace with no one around, and sit there for up to 45 minutes when they could be watching the show, shopping, whatever.

My primary conclusion on the whole topic was that a quiet, happily eating baby was always more publicly acceptable than a screaming, angry, hungry one, and neither of my kids took a bottle well, so nursing was what I had to do, even if other people were around. I also decided that huge segments of the population either were breastfed or had breastfed someone, including all the adults who were born before the age of formula, and so it wasn't like I was doing anything weird or that most people hadn't seen before. Plus, I decided some of the "looks" were not necessarily disapproving-- some were curious, some were people who like looking at little babies or parents with babies of their own, some just didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late to avert their glance. Finally, the law was on my side, and I just decided if someone had a problem with it, well, too bad for them.

I think we need to do a better job of heaping public disapproval on people who treat nursing mothers badly; it should be way worse to ogle and make ugly faces than it is to do the nursing, no matter where you are.

[Liz]

Thanks for the great article. I've had mostly positive experiences nursing. I nursed my first son at Yankee Stadium when he was six weeks old. No problems there!

[Karen is Thrifty]

I've nursed in bathrooms, closets, the car, and who knows where else. In the beginning, it was hard for me to get the baby to latch on well without completely exposing myself.

[adrienne]

My further thoughts on baby feeding in public:

http://babytoolkit.blogspot.com/2007/06/boob-wars.html

[Misty]

The photos are clearly staged. I think that may be part of what makes them offensive. While the article had an overall encouraging tone, and was made in the right mindset, the photos really are discouraging and scarey to someone who is afraid of exactly what they depict.

In 12 months of NIP, I received 2 looks that I would consider offensive/gawking, not 8 in one day.

Perhaps that varies by region...